David and Melvin

When it comes to names and titles, British etiquette can be extremely familiar, and that’s taken some getting used to.

I had to call the director of the NCRCL at Roehampton “Lisa”. My lecturers were Alison, Jane, Clementine, rather than professor Surname. At first it was distressing. Weren’t British people supposed to be big fans of class distinction? So how come they won’t have a title before their names? Or are titles a prerogative of Lords and Ladies? Oh, hi Lisa (sweating).

Then I enrolled on a workshop taught by David Almond. I want to write that again: David Almond. The great children’s writer who won the Hans Christian Andersen Award in 2010. My knees were like pizza dough when I took my place with a dozen other students round a table with him. Showing up at a creative writing course when you are not a native-speaker comes across as either very brave or very presumptuous, depending on how the native participants like foreigners worming their way into the British cultural system. So you are really excited but tense. And on top of that, you’re expected to say David to the writer you would naturally address as Master, with a bow, like in Star Wars or some fantasy saga. It sounded so wrong to me. Like calling the Pope Frank.

Of course it’s not the British who are to blame. Italians seem so easy-going until you find out they have a weakness for the feudal system and the more titles you can add to your name, the bigger the reverence other people will show you. A degree in something or other is enough to be called “dottore” (doctor). All teachers are professors. And if you are an engineer, nobody will ever call you by your first name again: you will be “ingegner”+Surname. Despite 3,3 million unemployed, we have a great many titles to indicate different professionals.

After a while, though, I thought I was beginning to relax about all this. Until I had to speak to Melvin Burgess on Skype. Hi, Melvin.

In the selfie below, you can see my face 4 seconds before he called.

BTW, thank you to Roehampton University for
that amazing opportunity ! I love (Mr) Melvin (Burgess)!